Today I feel afraid. I think. I’m not really sure, which is why I have made the huge effort to drag myself across to my computer to write about it.
I woke up early this morning and felt almost like a normal person, which was quite pleasant. I socialised with my kids for a while and checked my emails, etc. After the girls left for school, I took my breakfast back to bed and read for a while. Then I went back to sleep.
Now I’m awake and feeling this inexplicable feeling of fear, panic, terror. The urge to hide in my bed. Or to run away screaming. I feel it in my throat and down to my stomach. I can feel it in my head where my brain is crammed full of invisible whirling thoughts.
I know of no reason why I might feel this way.
I know logically that nothing is unique to one person, therefore someone must understand this feeling. Even so, I feel isolated in this.
So, I’ve tried to put it into words. I will even recklessly press the ‘publish’ button and be honest about it.
Next, do I retreat into sleep while I wait for it to go away? Do I get dressed and go out into the sunshine? Do I escape into fiction?
I hear the sound of my marbles as they roll across the floor.
After writing this post, I stayed at my computer for quite a long time and wrote an ‘About’ page. It seems that on this occasion, concentrating on writing got rid of the horrible feeling.
I didn’t ignore it or deny it. I acknowledged its existence and looked at it. Then I decided to look at something else. Eventually the feeling changed.
So, that’s another thing to add to my list of possible things that might help me to get past these feelings.