Sometimes I feel like there are way too many people living inside my head. It’s even worse when they argue loudly or try to give conflicting advice. There is little wonder that I regularly open my mouth and insert my foot.
This evening was one of the times when they all yelled different things at the same time. I couldn’t hear any of them properly or think clearly about what they were saying so I just wept. The sensible thing to do would have been to close my mouth firmly until I could think about what might be allowed to come out of it. But no, nothing so self-disciplined happening with me tonight. Someone asked if I was OK and the floodgates opened -I blurted it out and then realised that this did nothing at all to help me and also splashed innocent bystanders.
The trigger situation is way too complex to explain here without going into vast amounts of specific detail and boring you all to sleep.
The script for the voices in my head must have looked something like this:
REJECTION: You are not a part of this bunch of people and never will be.
LOGIC: You were trying to be responsible and only commit to something you knew you could do. You asked what to do and were told to leave it until closer to the time before stating availability.
IRRESPONSIBILITY: But that is just not appreciated and you should have just said you could do anything at any time and then changed it all later.
OVERREACTION: You should throw a tantrum.
REJECTION: They don’t want you here. They just want a reason to be rid of you.
OVERREACTION: Yes, you should give them what they want and storm off and never return.
LOGIC: No, it’s just that there are enough volunteers for certain jobs, so there is nothing left for you to do. This is not personal.
REJECTION: It is personal. It is just that you are so useless that they had to fill the jobs quickly before you could volunteer. They were scared of being stuck with you.
EXAGGERATION: Yes, definitely personal. Not just this team who don’t want you, but the wider organisation has never wanted you or needed your dubious skills, ever.
REJECTION: What dubious skills. You don’t have any. That’s why you are not at all useful.
OVERREACTION: You should never offer to do anything ever again. You should email someone and tell them where to shove something.
LOGIC: No-one means to upset you. It’s just the way things have worked out for this team. Why don’t you work with another team instead? You know they would find you useful.
REJECTION: Don’t fool yourself – they are just nice people who tolerate you. You know they don’t want you either. You just get in the way.
And on and on it goes and I have a headache and I wish they would all just SHUT UP.