Sitting outside the closed café with my feet on a chair, just watching the rain and enjoying the almost-silence. My mind is wandering all over the place, which is probably not a good thing. Am not feeling as ‘down’ as I have been, but am sad as I think about my life and relationships and achievements and experiences.
I can see that God gave me opportunities and skills and direction and friends and lots more. I have messed up over and over again and have been given more chances than I can count. I am getting older now and I still haven’t got much more clue about life than I was born with. I waste time and opportunities, I rely too much on other people and not enough on God. I know and understand a fair bit about God and his ways and deeds. I have known His presence, heard His voice, seen Him act. I still don’t know Him – I mean REALLY know Him. I am nice and people like me – but inside I am full of sludge.
As layers are peeled away and the reality of who I am is exposed, it’s too hard for many would-be friends. They try, they really do, but it is just too difficult to navigate the messy maze that is me.
So here I sit now, just listening to the faint sounds of silence and wondering about the futility of continuing to wade in endless circles while standing thigh deep in treacle.