Unfinished Year

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Another hour and 2014 will be over.

I’m not ready. Too many loose ends. Too many unfinished projects. Too many issues left unresolved. Too many decisions still to be made.

The feeling that time is running out fills me with anxiety. I’m scared at the thought of having to start a new year so soon.

I know it’s just a date on a calendar and that nothing ‘real’ is going to happen in an hour except that the clock will keep ticking and a new date will appear in the corner of my computer screen.

But still, I feel very apprehensive about this. Like everything is about to change.

I can’t remember ever feeling so nervous about it before.

Just this year. It seems so huge.

I will probably hear fireworks in the distance at midnight. I know that people out there will be celebrating and happy. They will smile as they look back at the year that is ending. They will smile more as they look optimistically and hopefully into the year about to begin.

I’m just doing what I’ve done for the last few weeks: just waiting for ‘normal programming to resume’. This holiday is like a dark tunnel between episodes of everyday life. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but maybe it will come into view soon. Or maybe it won’t. I really have no idea about the future. If it follows the usual pattern, then eventually children will return to school, adults will return to work, activities suspended for the holidays will begin again, people will return home from holidays…… and then before we realise it’s happened again, Christmas 2015 will be here and the trip through the tunnel will have to be repeated.

Tomorrow will be ‘New Year’s Day’. Another black hole in between two sleeps.

I want to wish you a ‘Happy New Year‘, not just for the sake of custom, but because I really do hope it is happy for you. It would be lovely to imagine that someone out there is not feeling the way I’m feeling.

If you are feeling like me, perhaps together we can agree to forget that it’s happening. Just another day. Just another 24 hours to survive through. Maybe things will be better eventually, but we probably need to stick around a bit longer to find out.

My New Year’s resolution is to wake up on 1st January. Then I’ll take it from there just one day at a time.

Losing my marbles

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Today I feel afraid. I think. I’m not really sure, which is why I have made the huge effort to drag myself across to my computer to write about it.

I woke up early this morning and felt almost like a normal person, which was quite pleasant. I socialised with my kids for a while and checked my emails, etc. After the girls left for school, I took my breakfast back to bed and read for a while. Then I went back to sleep.

Now I’m awake and feeling this inexplicable feeling of fear, panic, terror. The urge to hide in my bed. Or to run away screaming. I feel it in my throat and down to my stomach. I can feel it in my head where my brain is crammed full of invisible whirling thoughts.

I know of no reason why I might feel this way.

I know logically that nothing is unique to one person, therefore someone must understand this feeling. Even so, I feel isolated in this.

So, I’ve tried to put it into words. I will even recklessly press the ‘publish’ button and be honest about it.

Next, do I retreat into sleep while I wait for it to go away? Do I get dressed and go out into the sunshine? Do I escape into fiction?

I hear the sound of my marbles as they roll across the floor.

UPDATE

After writing this post, I stayed at my computer for quite a long time and wrote an ‘About’ page. It seems that on this occasion, concentrating on writing got rid of the horrible feeling.

I didn’t ignore it or deny it. I acknowledged its existence and looked at it. Then I decided to look at something else. Eventually the feeling changed.

So, that’s another thing to add to my list of possible things that might help me to get past these feelings.